Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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