My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
A bitchslap is in order.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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