you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
