I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
