If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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