btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
3pm strippers are depressing
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
