I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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