Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
