We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
