My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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