I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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