Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
then he tried to convert me to islam
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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