dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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