farters have to be the big spoon...
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
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The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
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There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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