rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
