I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
