I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Actions speak louder than pants.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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