She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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