Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
