Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
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