The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
