I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
