did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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