He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
