I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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