We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
