Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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