so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
