If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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