Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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