My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
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then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
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me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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