I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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