I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
