Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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