Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
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There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
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My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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