The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
