u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You are the jesus of drinking
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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