Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he thought i was a dude.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I am available for nakedness
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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