Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
if only i could text you this smell
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
