it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
