WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Floor bacon is actually really good
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
