We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
