its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My liver just had a heart attack.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
