fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
being pregnant is like rehab
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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