Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
