I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
