So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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