"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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