brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
