I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
