Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Randomize
