i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
