hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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