since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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