Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
