I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
This is classic penis vs brain.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
