well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
