His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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