i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
