I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
