the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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