i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
