it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
